Still Pushing Through? (Part 2)

Ok, so there is a post from last week entitled "No More Pushing Through." Well, this past community gathering I found myself once again pushing through! Aaagh! It tasted just about as bad this time as last. What happened? I was committed to simply "seeking the kingdom of God" and trusting everything else to fall into place. I sought and sought and sought and did everything I knew to seek God's presence, but felt internally unsettled, frustrated, impatient, and just plain dazed and confused! 

As I was reflecting and praying with some friends last night the Lord began to unravel the problem. Holy Spirit showed me how I had "done" so much to press into God's presence and ended up exhausted because I had fallen once again into the flesh trap - I DID instead of BE. What I mean is I didn't make space for myself to let "deep cry out to deep." Instead, I pulled out all my old tricks (all of which have wonderfully spiritual names) - I tried to pray, read, worship and isolate my way into God's presence. I fell into the trap of striving in my flesh to yield a spiritual result. Interestingly, today I read from Jesus' mouth - "Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit (John 3:6)."  I felt this on Saturday!  In my flesh, no matter how well intentioned, I yielded more flesh! 

Thankfully, my identity is no longer so deeply wrapped up in my performance during our community gatherings, but I do cherish the lessons learned in the midst of my continued journey. Holy Spirit reminded me that the beginning point for me in my pursuit of God's presence is always the cry of my soul. As I said in the earlier post, Holy Spirit seeks to commune with our spirit. We can make our minds, bodies, emotions and wills available to Him, but He simply will not engage with us except in our spirit. All these other faculties of our being are to be thus influenced by the interaction of Holy Spirit with our spirit. Because my prayers, reading and worship on Saturuday were all an attempt on my part to avoid the deep pain, sorrow and discomfort of my soul, they would avail little more than fruitless frustration.

Practically, on Saturday, this would have looked like me being honest about the cry of my soul, which might have been something like - "Aaaaagh, I hate what I feel right now. I'm distracted, frustrated, emotionally upside-down, mentally confused! I don't feel like leading worship. I don't feel connected with God right now!" How do you think that would go over coming out of a leader's mouth during a Sunday morning service across America? I imagine some would feel overwhelmed with encouragement because they feel the same way, while others would already be initiating a search for a new pastor.

Either way, Holy Spirit made it clear to me that because I forsook the honesty of my soul's cry on Saturday night, I missed the blessing he had for me and thus the blessing I might have been to my community as well. "You mean I should have shared with the community how I was feeling; I should have been honest and let my soul's cry out?" "YES," is all Holy Spirit would say. I can tell you now that I may never have recovered on Saturday if I had let my soul cry out. I can just imagine that I would have lost it - uncontrollable crying, snotting all over, a pathetic sight for an respectable leader. My self-image is dying.

"Blessed (truly happy) are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (Matt 5:3)." Hm.  Holy Spirit keeps trying to teach me the same thing over and over again. Inheriting the kingdom of heaven on earth always begins by acknowledging my poverty of spirit; when I make space for deep to cry out to deep, He always comforts and blesses me. I guess I'm just stunned how quickly I turn spiritual lessons into formulas, methods and thus a hinderance to what I'm actually pursuing. Truth is, there is no formula to making space for your soul's cry. I just sit and ask Holy Spirit to help me connect with my soul, to listen to the deepest cries of my being. Often I find something rise up within me that surprises, startles and often provokes me. Because my soul is meant to house the very presence of God (Holy Spirit), it goes pretty deep. I find myself weeping for no rational reason. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with joy and laughter. Other times I am filled with peace that lifts out of despair and into hope. He never seems to do the same thing twice in the same way. 

I'll keep on cause I believe this journey, though costing me so much of what I am finding isn't very important, will bring me more and more into the life Jesus promises - "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father (John 14:12)." The Christian life changes drastically when you measure yourself by the ministry of Jesus, not the ministers on TV.